Say What You Need To Say
by caspianandsusan4ever
Summary: And as he stands in the sun, holding her hand and facing her tears, he has no idea it's his last chance. To hold her, to love her, to make her smile.A moment he'll always hate himself for. Becasuse he thought he had time. Because he thought they had time


**Woohoo new story! Just a random little plot bunny that popped into my head randomly one day. Its taken me a while to get it all down but mainly because I am procrastinating on my main story. But don't worry, I promise I will not post something unless I plan on finishing it, just a little writers block. Plus with school and volleyball starting on Wednesday, I'm totally booked.**

**Anyway, a little background bout this one shot. Takes place between when Caspian sees Peter and Susan talking to Aslan and when all of Narnia gathers in the courtyard. susan knows their fate but Caspian does not. And so he doesn't say what he needs to say because he thinks he has time. And so what could have been kills them both, piece by piece.**

**Disclaimer: i don't own Chronicles of Narnia.**

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><p>"Caspian, how did you feel when you learned you were the crowned prince of Narnia?"<p>

Caspian jumped slightly and dropped his sword with a loud clatter on the stone floor. He winced. How charming. If that didn't win over the Gentle Queen he didn't know what would. He felt his palms sweat and his tongue go dry as he turned around. His heart squeezed tight in his chest. There she was; queen of his heart. Most beautiful woman in all of Narnia. She smiled at him expectantly. e He blinked.

"I beg your pardon?"

"How did you feel when you found out? How did it feel- knowing that one day you would be responsible for so many lives? she asked in her beautiful, quiet way. Caspian's heart hurt terribly to see the glimmer of sadness in her gorgeous eyes.

He cocked his head and blushed, looking down at his shoes. "I am afraid I do not understand my Lady's question. I always knew I would be king." He answered uncertainly.

Susan stared into the distance sadly, absently running her hands through her hair. Caspian smiled; she was not even aware how lovely she looked with her beautiful hair tousled in the sun, her soft curls blowing around her face and neck. The wonderful scent that wafted towards him made his body nearly mad.

"How did you feel, knowing that you would be king? Knowing that so much rested on your shoulders? How did it feel?" she whispered. Caspian took a tentative step towards her.

"I…really do not know. I was never…told; I just knew. I suppose I never really thought about it until my aunt became with child." He said more to himself than anyone.

She suddenly turned back to him, her body rigid and her eyes lost. The sun shone through the many shades of black and brown in her hair and her chocolate lashes fluttered delicately before him. She wanted so badly to make her smile, make her laugh and beam like her brothers and sister did. Every time one of Edmund's jokes or Peter's silliness brought out that beautiful smile of hers, he went almost green with envy. How he wanted to be the man to make her smile?

"Did you ever want to be anything else?" she asked in a strange voice.

He furrowed his brow. "I am afraid her Majesty's questions puzzle me to no end." He admitted sheepishly.

She shook her head and looked as if she tried to smile but could not make her mouth twist upwards when she hurt so badly. Caspian shifted awkwardly before her.

"When I was little, I wanted to be a mother. I used to love to play with Edmund and Lucy when they were babies. I had this fantasy of this perfect husband that would come home and bring me flowers everyday and sweep me off my feet and I'd be in the kitchen holding the baby and making dinner while our three or four other children played in front of the fireplace. All I wanted…was someone to love me. To feel like someone needed me and just...wanted to be with me."

He took another step forward.

"_I_ need you."

He said automatically out of the blue. He mentally slapped himself. Susan however, did not seem to notice and picked at a wrinkle in her skirt idly. Half of Caspian was disappointed that she seemed to not care.

"Did you ever want to be someone else?" she breathed slowly. She looked so sad.

Caspian hesitated. Oh Aslan how he had wanted to be someone else! Of course he had. But he did not want to tell her that. He wanted to talk about her. He wanted to know her. He wanted her to love him but first he wanted to love her. He wanted to love everything about her.

"No; I cannot say that I have…h-have you, my queen?''

"You never wanted to be anything other than what you knew you had to be?" she asked in a far off voice. If he noticed the catch in her melodious voice he pretended not to notice.

"What is the use of pretending when you know it will never be?" he answered automatically. And then he immediately wished he hadn't.

Susan closed her eyes and such agony showed on her face that Caspian wondered for a moment if he should take her to Lucy for a drop of cordial. She let out a strangled half sob and her knees wobbled slightly. He hesitantly put a hand on her shoulder but she pulled away so quickly she nearly lost her balance. Caspian stepped back instantly.

"Forgive me. I did not intend to make you uncomfortable," he stuttered nervously. She ducked her head away from him but he still saw a few tears make his way down her face. He had never wanted anything as badly as he wanted to wrap his arms around her and let her cry into his chest. He had never seen her upset. And he hated it. And that scared him. Her pain scared him. He hated seeing her like this. It was like drowning. Being trapped. He wanted to kiss her so badly it physically felt like his muscles were being torn of the bone and his heart beaten with a anvil.

She turned away from him completely.

"WHY do you have to BE like that!" she said almost angrily. Caspian was totally taken aback. He blinked a few times.

"Pardon me?" he asked, bewildered. Was it a crime to act like a gentleman?

"Why do you have to be like this? Sweet and kind and chivalrous and brave and funny and good looking and smart and strong and wonderful!Why can't you just be like all the others! Why Caspian, why?" she screamed, choking on her own tears.

He shook his head slowly and simply stared at her quaking form and her salty tears. "My Lady…I am none of those things." He whispered in an awestruck voice.

"Oh don't give me that Caspian. You're amazing. You're wonderful and-and you're perfect and don't you dare even pretend to deny it. I tried so hard not to but you-argh you _made_ me!"

"I made you what? I do not understand!" he said frantically.

"Fall for you! I tried SO hard not to but damn it Caspian you made me! I tried so hard not to but I had to! Its like you knew how much I wanted love and how much I wanted to feel something again." She said through her tears. She was falling apart.

Caspian did not even know what to say. They had spoken only a handful of times and all the sudden she was completely letting herself fall apart. He felt like his heart had been slammed in a door. He had to do something, anything. She was breaking down and he was just standing there. But no matter how selfish and awful it was, he couldn't help but feel an enormous rush of euphoria crash through him when the love of his life admitted she had fallen for him. Even if she was crying almost hysterically.

"All those times you tried to talk to me and I just pushed you away." She said through her clenched teeth, frantically running her hands through her pristinely curled hair.

He took another step towards her until they were inches apart. "You have NEVER pushed me away." He said intensely, his dark brown eyes burning into her and tearing her heart apart from the inside out.

She turned her head away towards the sun and shook her head. Caspian flinched as a cold tear slid down his arm.

"Yes Caspian I have. That's what I do. I push people away. I have pushed anyone who has ever loved me away," she said angrily.

Caspian shook his head. "That is not true."

She snorted and bowed her head.

"I never choose a suitor. And you know why? Because I never let anyone in. Because I push people away. Because I put myself on the back burner. Because I do not fall in love." She said.

Caspian shook his head slowly. "You love more than anyone I have ever met." He said to her.

Her hand flew to her head and she tore at her lovely curled hair in anger and frustration.

"But you don't know me Caspian. You don't know how I am. How I never let anyone in. I was so afraid .I was never looking for love. I was never looking for someone to…make me laugh or…hug me from behind or…kiss my hair or…just listen to what I have to say and just….love me, for me, and want to be with me. I wasn't looking for someone who would make me happy. I wasn't looking for someone how I could ever hope to love. I was looking for someone that would be a good king and maybe even a good daddy. But they did not CARE about the baby. They just wanted the power and the kingdom."

She half choked on a sob and spluttered miserably for a moment in an effort to calm herself down. All those years and the one thing she heard a zillion time was queens don't cry. And here she was, watering the grass with her tears in front of this amazing guy who would never think of her as anything but the lunatic who busts out in tears.

"It is not fair. I shouldn't want to be with you. I shouldn't want to be with you. Not like this." She whispered.

Caspian gently put his hands on both of her arms that were clutching fiercely at her skirts. He shyly leaned in closer and began to softly run his hands along the veins in her arms, stopping at her wrist and rubbing circles on the back of her hand with his thumb.

"Hey, hey, its alright. The war is over. We won, Miraz is gone. Everything is perfect. We can be together now."

She closed her eyes and bit her lip so sharply a few drops of blood dribbled into her mouth. She took a deep breath and haphazardly tried to slip her hand out of his warm rough one, turning her head away so he could see her tears glistening in the sun. Caspian pulled caught her fingertips just as her skirt swirled in the first step of her escape. He pulled her even closer than before, his heart beating erratically.

"We can be together now."

He repeated in a whisper, leaning his face down to hover so his forehead brushed against hers and he could look her in the eyes. He felt her knees wobble and her ankle roll slightly and he instinctively caught her about the waist to right her again. Another few tears slid out of her eyes and his heart gave another plummet. His chivalrous side was just about to kick in and he started to move his hands back to holding her small cold ones when he looked down and realized he quite liked them just where they were. A half smile crept across his face as he started at his tan arms around her slim waist but it faded altogether when she saw her head bowed and her face scrunching in silent agony, her shoulders shaking.

"You are not pushing me away. And I will not let you. Because I am never going to let you go. Because now that I have met you, I could never live without you. Because now we can be together. Because it was meant to be this way," he whispered into the top of her head as he craned his neck, silently looking her in the eyes to get her permission.

Slowly, soaking in every ounce of what was just purely the love he felt radiating from inside himself, he brought his lips to hover right about hers, his body shaking.

"Hey, Aslan wants to see us in the court-whoa."

A surprised slightly nasal voice said quite loudly. At the sight of Susan's younger brother's gangly form coming over the hill Caspian pulled away nervously, his eyes huge. Susan kept her grip on his hand, refusing to let him stop touching her.

"I-we-I-I didn't do anything. I swear." Caspian said quickly, fully prepared to face the wrath of a protective little brother. Edmund only smiled cheekily.

"Yeah, right. Like I haven't heard that nine hundred times. In the last year." He snorted. Caspian looked from Susan to Edmund cautiously. Couldn't Edmund sense that something was wrong with his sister?

"Come on then. And hey, if you hurry; I won't tell Peter." He said with a mischievous grin, winking at Caspian as he shook his head and turned on his head to walk back down the hill and towards the courtyard, where Caspian would find the reason for his lady's tears.

Where the greatest pain he could ever imagine would hit him. Where a black hole would open up within his soul until every laugh every smile every happy feeling would be sucked out of him.

And so as Susan stood before him sobbing and holding his hand, he did not kiss her. Or tell her he loved her. Or hold her and just let her cry into himself. Because he thought they had time to be together.

He thought that someday he would find the perfect time to tell her he loved her. He thought they had a chance. He thought they would live happily ever after forever and forever and forever.

But life is not that kind.

And neither is love.


End file.
